STAGNANT- THE CHANGE I NEED

Personally I don’t like where I am right now. No, I don;t mean it literally but what I mean is I do not like where I am in life, what i have accomplished my thoughts for the future. But what I do know for sure is who I want to be and what I want for the near future.

I want to be different in every way emotionally, physically, financially, and most importantly spiritually I want to be in a good space. For far too long I’ve been content not to ambitious not striving for more in any area of my life. I was or should i rather day I am just there. Nothing much going on same old routine. That’s just lame. I’ve been too stagnant for far too long.  If you were to compare me today from the person I was 6 months ago. You’d see I’m literally the same. Maybe the only difference is I’m more social and I have made a lot more friends who I can with all honestly say truly adore me and I adore them even more. But even if they love me for me. All consistent and the same, I not happy with it at all.

 

I have big dreams  for myself in every little aspect. Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate myself at all in fact I LOVE me with all my heart. I LOVE me enough to know that  I am not happy with where I am and I need change. My Pastor told me that if you remain stagnant and you do not grow you’ll wither and die. I know she was speaking from a spiritual point of view but I feel the same applies in your life. If everything in your life remains the way it is you “die”( sorry for lack of better words). Nothing will matter much anymore, no effort will be put in anything you do and if bad situations arrive they’ll knock you down harder than they usually would. I don’t know if this is just me or…??

I haven’t put any effort in anything I do and of course what you reap is what you sow. In my style, which I usually put a lot of effort in( nowadays any ol’ tee and jeans will do). I have slacked. For me fashion was my escape I felt so so so good when I put myself together in a fashionable clothes.I loved it cause I would surprise most people who thought of me as predictable and I would feel super good about myself and confident. I’m not the most high-end fashionista but my edgy style was sort of like my safe haven, the last place I would resort to when I was feeling like crap.That’s gone too.

I procrastinated a lot. Every second was spent procrastinating. Of course my academic career was suffering as well, even if I did spend time self studying. I had taken out the fun element of sitting in class listening, learning and understanding. There  is no better feeling then actually understanding and learning. But I of course I zone out in class or sleep out of exhaustion (from what I am not entirely sure) . Then I’d come home lie to myself that in about 30 minutes I’ll eat lunch, rest a little and start with homework and study more school material In reality I would often go on to YouTube, or sleep or watch TV Or anything else except touch my books. My heart it breaking right now actually writing this.

My physical state was a mess as well. I’m a dynamic fitness trainer at school. We train about 3 days a week I would only pitch up 2 days a week and only to show my face and do the exercises. I only did so people wouldn’t I’m a drop out and so I wouldn’t lose my position which I need to put in my university application form because I have nothing else to put on that form. LOL what do you know I’ve been doing nothing in my entire school career. Anyways I did not do my exercises at home, which is essential as a trainer if you want to grow and work to better your techniques. I ate whatever I wanted. in fact I feel like I ate even more than usual. Thank you god for my fast metabolism, or else I would be FAT mess as well

I just really need to sort myself out. I am really glad I acknowledged my problems and I know what they are. The next step is to actually start doing it. Procrastination is the Devil and I shall not succumb to it. I won’t try I will do it!

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